oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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