My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
