Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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