Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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