Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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