thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
