First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
