Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
