When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
