The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
