I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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