nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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