The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
