I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Quick, to the slutcave!
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
