I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
