Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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