The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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