Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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