My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
