Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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