was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
