May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Randomize
