New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
