I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
