I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's rum buckets o'clock
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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