Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
be right there i have to get my cape
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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