I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
