Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
