She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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