Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
