sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
