you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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