i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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