Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
