I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
