I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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