he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
