I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
