i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
