Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
sick fucks of a feather flock together
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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