my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
