My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
