like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
my liver is dry heaving
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
