He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
