There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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