I just gift wrapped bread.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
