he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
