i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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