I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
