Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
did you just send me my own nude
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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