Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
