so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
